BREAKING: BJ Penn Quits Politics to Focus on Cocaine and Alcohol Full Time

Former UFC lightweight and welterweight champion BJ Penn has decided to give up his political career so that he can focus on cocaine and alcohol full time, Combat Hub can exclusively reveal. Since retirement, Penn has made it no secret of his burning passion for the frivolous combination of intoxicants, and former plans to run for the governorship of Hawaii have been put on hold

“I’ve always been good at anything I set my mind too” declared the prodigy “which includes slamming beers and sniffing heavy lines”, The MMA legend was famously a natural talent and quick learner which allowed him to obtain a BJJ black belt in only a few years, which seemed unfathomable at the time “Things are progressing just as fast with my drug use” the Hawaiian native revealed “I started off just doing cheeky keys by the pool table at my local bar, and within 2 weeks I was nailing Charlie Sheen sized full coffee table nosers”

Not only has BJ’s cocaine use improved tremendously, but his ability to throw back the booze has become equally impressive, having flown in a crack team of British alcoholics in a 6-week training camp to get him up to par. We went to legendary piss head Terry O’Donnally, BJ’s head trainer, for more, “The first hurdle was the lack of a Hawaiian Weatherspoon’s” revealed the pint man, rolling a cigarette “so we had to set up a makeshift venue in BJ’s garage, and open our doors to all the local problem drinkers at 9am sharp”, “once the lunchtime curry club is down, it’s time to start seriously hitting the packet”

We went to UFC President Dana White for comment “We stopped BJ from fighting because instead of focusing on his career, he’s mind was completely set on allowing his life to fall apart, he’s always been naturally talented in this field” revealed the UFC boss “if he wants to be at the precipice of other great MMA drug abusers like Jon Jones and Ken Shamrock, he really has to focus like only the prodigy can”

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