The Twat’s Guide to Claiming Jon Jones is The GOAT

Are you a delusional complete waste of fucking time? Do you stare objective fact in the face then proceed to deny reality? Do you have confusing, yet intimate dreams about your stepdad? Well done, sounds like you’re a Jon Jones fan and believe he’s the greatest fighter of all time. The idea that Jones is better than guys like DJ and Aldo may seem stupider than anytime Tito Ortiz speaks, but in this ‘How to’ guide we’ll give you the ammunition to not let stupid things like facts or logic get in way of defending him. I know what you’re thinking, arguing this may seem like arguing Stephen Hawking has a good shot at Olympic gold in the long jump, but get used to it, as a Jones fan these hot takes are harder to justify than his driver’s license.

• Pretend the LHW division is the best division of all time

Constantly bringing up how many former champions Jones has beaten is the play here, because the sign of a strong division with dominant champions is everyone getting a turn with the belt at least once over a short period of time. Also, list the who’s who of elite competition he easily despatched such as Glover Teixeira who definitely doesn’t deliver pizza when he’s out of camp, Rampage Jackson who has highlight reel knockouts against Chuck Liddell and a door, and Shogun Rua who Jones destroyed in his pri… *checks notes* fuck 2011? Okay well shit, he was probably still in his prime 6 years later anyway. And of course, Anthony Smith who… exists. I could go on. Fans may try to deceive you with insane ideas like technique, tape study, and breakdowns, but let’s face it, LHW has always been the most popular, and the most popular thing is always the best.

• Completely make up what you think PEDs do then deny he took them anyway

This is a solid tactic fans of serial cheats have been using for generations. As a Jones fan, odds are you’re nowhere near smart enough to have a degree in medicine or chemistry, you may have even left school at 14, or make a living giving out handjobs in pub carparks, but don’t let that stop you. Simply just guess what you think PEDs do. Classic lines such as “PEDs don’t throw head kicks” and “PEDs don’t give you fight IQ” are key here. When someone rightfully points out you have no fucking idea what you’re talking about, claim not only was it scientifically proven PEDs never helped Jon, it was actually cocaine and Viagra instead, which somehow makes it okay. As Jones fans we see a lot of ourselves in him, floppy, unworkable dick and consistently denying our obvious hard drug problem, showing up for work half cut yet still somehow scraping by.

• Call anyone under 6ft 2” a talentless midget

This may seem emotive, unnecessarily offensive, disrespectful and quite frankly a disgrace, but we’re defending Jon Jones here, that ship sailed long ago. Insulting an entire division with a cutting phrase like this then resorting to laughing emojis is a tactic I like to call the ‘hit and run’. This hits harder than a Jones oblique kick, or a Buick into the back of a pregnant woman. MMA experts may claim smaller fighters are more technically proficient, have more entertaining fights, and are more accomplished champions, but you tell me, what would you rather watch; Jones lethargically stumbling around the cage like a dying giraffe, throwing the occasional shot at someone who’s primary occupation definitely isn’t driving an Uber, still probably losing but the judges gifting it to him anyway, or two midgets in a fancy ‘competitive martial arts contest’. Grow up. The bigger the man, the better it is.

• “Joe Rogan said it so it must be true”

This may seem to be at the core of every idiotic MMA take, but hear me out. I mean yes, he may be a roided up, constantly high, 4ft 11” former chad whose lost touch with the sport years ago, but his knowledge is still as relevant as ever. Who could ever forget his Nostradamus like takes, such as Ronda Rousey would beat *checks notes*… Oh for the love of Christ, a lot of the male bantamweights? Maybe don’t bring this up willingly, but I mean she obviously could, in her prime she put more women to sleep than Bill Cosby, so why not the men too? He also rightfully predicted Ben Askren would become *checks notes* UFC champion? Fucking really? Right, well if he didn’t get knocked out in 5 seconds and then later submitted, that would have happened too, probably. All I know is, if Rogan thinks Jones is the GOAT, everyone else should too.

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