5 Potential Careers for Tyron Woodley After Retirement

Tyron Woodley was at one time the most domina… *checks notes* wow okay sure, Tyron Woodley was at one time the most dominant welterweight on the planet. Love him or hate him, not many fighters in any division can boast 4 title defences. Yes, one was a draw against Thompson and yes, one was a fight against a 25 year old Darren Till for some reason, but it is still a reign that will enshrine him in welterweight history… as nowhere near as good as GSP, nowhere near as exciting as Lawler or Hendricks, but at least not quite as big a piece of shit as Matt Hughes. Now that we have entered the, what I predict to be lengthy Usman era, Woodley is on a three fight skid where he has looked lacklustre to say the least. Unsurprising, MMA fans around the Twitterverse have been debating whether retirement could be on the cards for the pushing 40 former champ. Here at the combat hub offices we have mixed feelings towards the chosen one. Sure, he has the charisma of a wet sock and the vernacular of a disabled child, but he did, at one point, have a nice right hand; and more recently, one of the greatest rap albums in history. We thought we’d help out our old friend by listing 5 potential career paths Woodley could find success in post MMA.

1. Rapper

This will come as no surprise to anyone who has had the pleasure of hearing T Wood grace the mic. The way he used to weave his head in the octagon has transferred flawlessly into how he weaves his flows around artistically compiled beats, destroying every one. I honestly haven’t seen anything get destroyed like this since, well this Saturday actually when he lost to Covington. Regardless, much like the way Woodley has revolutionised mindlessly backing up against the cage, he’s revolutionised lyricism throughout his Chaos Theory album. Who could forget lines like “Nah, I ain’t lost a damn fight in my whole life/Mama said bite down and start swinging rights”. Granted, he had lost to Nate Marquardt, Jake Shields and Rory MacDonald at this point, but the bars are just so damn fire, I don’t even remember him ever fighting anyone at all. I could continue with a relevant comparison to Nas’ Illmatic as far as song compilation, but I’ll save that for the experts. T Wood without a shadow of a doubt has a future as a platinum selling artist, as long as he drops albums as often and Gilbert Burns dropped him.

2. Political Activist

We support black lives matter whole heartedly at the combat hub offices, and so does Tyron Woodley, the voice of a generation. I have been inspired by the rousing speeches of Martin Luther King Jr, I’ve been sparked into learning black history and race relations from Malcolm X, I was pushed to learn about justice and human equality from Rosa Parks, but no one has inspired me quite like Tyron Woodley. Woodley sees racists like he treats his hands, he just can’t let them go, and rightfully so. After losing to long time enemy and full time racist Colby Covington, the only logical path for Woodley would be one of politics. I can just imagine him now, standing at the podium and sheepishly stammering out rhetoric, only to back up when challenged by literally anything. You may think this is a poor political tactic, but it has served his fighting career well for years, and eventually, he’ll make a point so big and powerful his opponent will crumble. Or they’ll just destroy him for 25 minutes. Either way, I know he’ll inspire millions. Worst case scenario, he can answer every question he’s ever asked with “black lives matter” for the rest of his life. Not only would this be a hilarious troll any goat would fear, it also keeps the idea in your head. Which is ironic, as the idea of Woodley doing anything productive is quickly fading from mine.

3. Mechanic

This might be a bit out of left field but bear with me. If anyone knows anything about being gassed, having no engine, and being a broken down shell in need of a tune up, its Tyron Woodley. As a mechanic, he’ll fundamentally need to be scamming people out of hundreds, even thousands to fix overpriced, fabricated problems with their vehicles. Woodley’s time scamming hundreds, even thousands of us into believing he was a good champion will be a key transferrable skill here, and I’m sure the industry will welcome him with open arms. The only barrier he’ll have will be getting his head around the toolbox, mechanics are used to having to think about more than 2 things at a time, Woodley on the other hand is used to either retreating or throwing the overhand. Having to use more than two tools won’t be an easy hurdle for Woodley, but as broken cars don’t usually move or pose much of a threat (much like Woodley in his last 3 fights) we’re confident he’ll be able to learn at least one more thing eventually. However, what must be stated is something unrivalled Woodley brings to the table, whenever someone has to back in a van or larger vehicle, who will be more experienced in backing it up than Tyron Woodley? Absolutely nobody.

4. Statue

If push comes to shove there is no one better than Woodley to become a statue. With all the recent protests in American and over here across the pond, statues are being brought down left, right and centre, leaving a noticeable shortage. Who knows more about standing completely still, doing absolutely fuck all, then getting violently knocked down than Tryon Woodley? Usman, Burns, and Covington could have been fighting a torn down monument of Robert E. Lee and I doubt anybody would have even noticed. Except of course Colby, there’s no way he wouldn’t recognise one of his heroes. Regardless, there seems to be a demand without a supply, and if A Level economics has taught me anything, maybe Woodley could kick start the economy, which is currently desperately needed. The beauty of this career is not only could he be a traditional statue, but also the street performing kind, preferably covered head to toe in silver or gold, his experience being covered in red from forehead to chin will come in handy here. When someone donates money, instead of a funny dance, he could display one of his lacklustre, lesser used moves on them. Like a pathetic standing guillotine, or a left jab to the body that misses.

5. Rap Groupie

If by some miracle Woodley’s rap career doesn’t go to plan, there’s no doubt in my mind he can find a fruitful, profitable vocation as a groupie. I’m talking back up dancer, I’m talking modelling, I’m talking twerking for the homies. Let’s talk about the elephant in the room, or the elephant in the back of Woodley’s pants because let’s face it, he’s thicccc af (that’s right, 4 C’s Cejudo). Woodley has been criticized recently for his lack of movement or urgency, but I’d like to see you try manoeuvre around an octagon any better with that wagon hitched to you. Woodley’s not trying to back towards the cage, it’s just that weight dragging him there. In a world where female promiscuity is at the forefront of society thanks to WAP, this is the perfect time for Woodley to get his piece of the pie, by giving the world a piece of his ass. Maybe he should pull right from Cardi B’s playbook, model, twerk for the homies AND rap, start his own movement, his own answer to WAP. Overly Lit Dick or something, OLD, I don’t know, that’s for the record executives to decide. All I know is with a body like that he could be starring in the all-male version of Hustlers by the end of next year.

By Ben C

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