BREAKING: USADA Rules Jon Jones’ Recent Arrest a “False Positive”

USADA has declared Jon Jones’ most recent drunken arrest a “false positive”, it has emerged. Despite the police investigating the scene and making the arrest, USADA have gone back over the evidence and ruled the whole situation just a big misunderstanding. We went to head of USADA Drew Eazitobribe for more

“As we all know Jon Jones has had his fair share of false allegations. The PEDs, the assaults, the hit and run, he’s really been through the ringer” the medical boss revealed “here at USADA we stand for truth and justice, which is why we put it upon ourselves to go back to the scenes of the crimes several weeks later to conduct our own investigation”

“It turns out the police missed a lot, and after conducting our own tests in our state-of-the-art labs, it’s chemically impossible for Jones to have committed these crimes” we asked him why “oh, it’s a load of medical, scientific jargon I won’t bore you with. We used test tubes, pipettes, Bunsen burners, that sort of thing. The results are indisputable”

President Dana White had this to say “quite frankly I’m delighted” the UFC boss confessed “I’ve always known Jon Jones is unconditionally innocent, I even moved an entire event to a different state at the last minute for the sake of justice, and my belief in Jon, almost as strong as his belief in God” declared White “yes, we did recently pay USADA a sizeable bonus, but that’s unrelated and due to their recent performance exceeding our wildest expectations, I mean, TJ’s back for Christ’s sake.”

We went to long term rival Daniel Cormier for his thoughts “I’ve never been more conflicted in my entire life” revealed the Olympian “on the one hand, the UFC are never wrong about anything, but on the other, Jon Jones is a total piece of shit. I just… I just don’t know” he sobbed, grabbing the framed picture of Dana White he keeps on his bed side table for guidance

We tried to contact Jones for comment but could only get through to his fiancé “no he’s not here” she informed the combat hub team through busted lips “and he’s definitely not out scoring some more coke from that seedy Bolivian who hangs out in the alleyway behind his favourite Hooters”

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