BREAKING: UFC Bans All Kicks as They’re Far Too Dangerous

Following the recent controversy surrounding oblique kicks, the UFC has officially announced that not only will they be banned, but so will every other kind of kick because they’re just far too dangerous, it has emerged

We went to President Dana White for more “as the most prestigious mixed martial arts organisation in the world, protecting the sanctity of the sport is our highest priority” declared the UFC boss “and to do this, we need to strip out as much martial arts as possible”

UFC’s head doctor David Silverman had this to say “When Dana asked me if oblique kicks were dangerous, I said of course, then sarcastically listed all the other kicks that were as well, which is pretty much all of them” the physician revealed “I then remembered the only cardio Dana does these days is jumping to conclusions, and I knew that I’d fucked up”

Not everyone is happy with the change, we went to hardcore UFC fan Chad Hugecock for his take “what a load of wimps” the alpha spat out between bicep curls “if it was up to me, they’d be no rules like it was back in the glory days of UFC 1 in 93’, that took real skill and fucking balls. The sport’s just too effeminate now” stopping to shotgun a Muller light “two men should enter, and one man should leave, like in Gladiator, or cuckold porn”

Others have said the rules don’t go far enough, we met with Martin Quoward, the leader of the Protective Union of Serious Strikes Involving Everything Society, or P.U.S.S.I.E.S, for more “fighters are in way too much danger, two men consensually locked in a cage with the express decision to train in several martial arts to try and best the other man is simply barbaric” he paused for his inhaler “as MMA fans we don’t want to go the same route as boxing, having several fighters die a year, which is why we’re proposing no kicking, no grappling, and bigger gloves, maybe 10-14 ounces”

Several UFC alumni were happy with the changes but were even more extreme, former Olympian Daniel Cormier saying “I have to agree with Martin here, I’d even go as far as to ban body shots. They’re cheap, dangerous, and take little to no skill. I’d also overturn every loss caused by them” James Vick went even further “as a man who’s been unfairly knocked out by literally every move ever invented, I call for the banning of all strikes and techniques altogether”

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