A revolutionary joint announcement from Dana White and Scott Coker has confirmed that a ground-breaking cross promotional matchup will see Stephen ‘Wonderboy’ Thompson going up against Michael ‘Venom’ Page in what is being billed as a ‘chess match’, it has emerged.
Fans, however, were quickly disappointed to learn that this will be a literal chess match. We went to White for more, “fans have been clamouring for this fight for years, particularly the purists, or what we call in the industry, the boring assholes who want to seem interesting and knowledgeable. As they’ve constantly banged on about how much of a tactical chess match this would be, we decided to put the debate to bed by making it an actual chess match” revealed the UFC President
Coker agreed in a rare showing of solidarity with his rival “if it was up to me the first ever cross promotional event would have been a dream fantasy matchup, like Matt Mitrione vs Walt Harris, but once Dana came to me with this Wonderboy vs MVP idea I couldn’t say no. Especially when he explained to me that the $75 PPV price wouldn’t matter as UFC fans will pay for fucking anything.”
“We’ve been taking this seriously and have already booked MVP in half a dozen games of chess to prepare him for this monumental event” continued the Bellator boss “and it’s a real murderer’s row. Just to name a few are my granddaughter who got a chess set for her eighth birthday last week, ‘Shady’ Steve who sells the boys their clean piss, and ‘Big Country’ Roy Nelson who has now actually learnt most of the rules”
We went to hipster ‘student of the game’ fight fan Lance Biggestwat for his take on the revelation “most fans would probably hate the idea of an actual chess match, but they just don’t understand the fight game, nor study it like I do” Biggestwat proclaimed between vapes, “this will go down in history as one of the highest-level masterclasses we’ve seen to date, the calibre of a Lewis vs Ngannou or Silva vs Leites. I don’t expect common ‘just bleed’ moron fans to understand or know what they’re watching, but I will break it down in hundreds of 12 second Twitter videos”, declared Lance, adjusting his fedora before we saw ourselves out