The Twat’s Guide to a Hipster Top 5 GOAT List

Are you an unbearable piece of shit? Are you such an aggravating know-it-all prick you call anyone who enjoys MMA after 2006 a casual? Do you have a black and white profile picture from an obscure south east Asian regional promotion and are shocked when people have to ask what it is? Congratulations you irredeemable piece of shit, you’re a complete hipster wanker who ruins everyone’s day with your pretentious musings and would probably rupture your spine attempting to suck your own cock, which is even more impressive considering the gargantuan size of your brain undoubtedly weighing down your neck. Today’s guide is an easy top 5 greatest fighters of all time for someone as cool and underground as you.

  1. Bas Rutten

A solid number 5 pick who mainstream casual fans have probably never heard of. Like the humble fedora, Rutten has become timeless, revolutionising the scene before it was cool. Making his name being a King of Pancrase multiple time champion, a promotion of which I collect the original VHS tapes, he pioneered palm strikes which are probably still the most effective forms of striking today. He also could do the splits. I bet all you mainstream normies thought Jean Claude Van Dam was the first to do something this cool. Pathetic. Just his performance against *googles record* Jason DeLucia who I’ve definitely heard of and love is enough to cement him as the fifth best fighter ever. He also only ever fought twice in the UFC which is super underground. Damn I’m so quirky and cool.

  1. Sakuraba

No cool hipster list is complete without an old school Japanese fighter from PRIDE, a cool promotion but still a little bit mainstream, I actually preferred DREAM and restore vintage event posters with coffee-based paints in my spare time. Regardless, Sakuraba is only fourth because although he beat everyone who’s name even sounds remotely like Gracie, the UFC did do a documentary on him recently, meaning a lot of casuals got to see some clips of him in action. This automatically makes him not as good for some reason. If only they could see my collection of his fights on Beta Max and Laser Disk (how they were actually supposed to be watched) they would see how good he was, my favourite fight is actually his 10 minute draw against Dan Strauss in submission grappling. But you probably haven’t seen it.

  1. Ken Shamrock

A shoe in for the third greatest fighter of all time. Yes, Frank may have had the better accolades and titles, the better resume and overall career, but every piece of shit pretentious hipster picks him, so with this 3D chess maneuver we’ll pick the more far our brother nobody thinks about. Not only did he eventually draw with Royce Gracie, probably the greatest fighter of all time, he also beat Bas Rutten a couple of times, who’s fifth on this list so that says it all. He also transitioned careers competing as a professional wrestler, something which had never been do before or since most likely, making him very underground and cool. Although he did wrestle for the WWF, maybe a smaller indy promotion on Japan would have been better but we play the hands we’re dealt.

  1. Randy Couture

Every self dick sucking big brain hipster needs Randy Couture in their top 5 greatest ever fighters list, and we have him solidly at number 2. His no nonsense approach of wrestling and also being there is the best MMA style ever cultivated, and anyone who believes the game has evolved since is a casual who only started watching since McGregor, I doubt they even know what a double underhook is. He also won title’s at LHW and HW, the two best divisions ever, something which has probably never been done since. If you need proof of how badly Couture would destroy Fedor, Stipe or Ngannou just watch his Vale Tudo fights, which I actually have on 35mm film that can only be played on a specific brand of vintage projector.

  1. Renzo Gracie

This is the ultimate big brain over 9000 hipster move. This will out pontificate even the twirliest of moustache toting, fedora wearing, suspender cladded arsehole who’s super into Austrian experimental theatre. A normal know-it-all piece of shit would probably call Royce Gracie the best fighter of all time, I mean who else has 3 UFC tournament wins and a BJJ black belt? He’d twist up every fighter in modern times like a pretzel because MMA has only gotten worst. Anyway, that would be too easy, I’d even go as far to say that’d be too mainstream. The Gracie’s are huge family and let’s face it, Royce is probably the most well-known and therefore the least underground and cool. That’s why our number 1 greatest fighter of all time is Renzo Gracie, who the real old school fans know is much better. Not only is the Z in his name sweet, he was probably undefeated in street grappling tournaments.

By Ben C

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