Every group of braindead arseholes needs a ‘twat pack’ of unique individuals each with their own unique horrific takes so they can fight the MMA world together, and we’re here to help. We’ve spent hours scanning and researching MMA friendship groups, and have scientifically selected the worst of the worst, to form a Justice League of self-entitled, egotistical, moronic wankers. Sounds a lot like the actual Justice League to be honest. Alas, I digress, here are 5 members essential to any group of fucking idiots.
- The “Jon Jones is the GOAT” guy
This cum guzzler has a great chance at being leader of the group due to the sheer ignorance that courses through his veins empowering a fake Chad persona. When this prick isn’t drink driving or punching women in pub car parks, he can be found at home, not watching fights. This member of the group is essential as he has every fighters’ records on Wikipedia favourited on his phone for easy access, so he can prove beyond reasonable doubt that Jones is the best without needing to construct any kind of argument or watch any actual fighting at all. He has great value for your squad as no other type of person can stare hard evidence in the eyes and deny it with such vigour and fortitude. They also make great getaway drivers and always have a bit of coke.
- The “I prefer Bellator” guy
No MMA friendship group is complete without this fucking hipster wanker. His presence may cause you to burn up inside with the intensity of 1000 suns with his pompous, ‘holier than thou’ attitude, but without him and the 3 other people that watch Bellator, who would provide your squad with valuable knowledge about how some real fight of the year contenders went down, like Rampage vs Johnson that I just made up but as I write seems disturbingly quite likely. Or how a promising up a comer toted for title hopes narrowly won a decision against someone who was 1-4 on the co-main event. To be hardcore, big brain MMA fans the unsufferable underground, try hard cock jockey must be involved, even if he claims his favourite event ever is King of Pancrase 4, which you’ve probably never heard of. He’ll also have a black and white profile picture.
- The guy who calls boring fights “chess matches”
This piss stain and the ‘prefer Bellator’ twat are two sides of the same shit coin, as they both pretend to care a bit more and go to extra lengths to display how much of a better and deeper fan they are. It’s hard to say who’s more valuable as this waste of air can claim things like Woodley vs Thompson 1 was better than Lawler vs Hendricks, or Lewis vs Ngannou was a technical masterclass in how to break down the sport’s most dangerous man, and other such crocks of shit that literally make you want to rip out the eyeballs they clearly aren’t using and shove them up their fucking arse. If you can mentally convince yourself that basically nothing happening is a chess match and say with a straight face you actually enjoy it, that type of mental gymnastics is perfect for any squad.
- The “Just Bleed” guy
The “Just Bleed” guy is my personal favourite and a perfect cornerstone to any squad, plus a great foil for the “chess match” guy as he will constantly be calling him out on his bullshit. And the bullshit of anyone else who aren’t watching in-cage near death experiences. Is there anything more wholesome than hearing a drunk, stumbling moron call a trained fighter a fucking pussy when the last fight he had was when his mum caught him peeping into his sister’s bedroom? Not to mention the comedic genius of dismissing dominant champions like Khabib or Usman as crouch sniffers and dry humpers. Witty, original, and most of all true. This guy certifies what a lot of the squad already believe, watching fights is boring, and all time is better spent getting shitfaced and watching the Lawler vs MacDonald 2 highlights on YouTube where there’s plenty of blood.
- The “Suddenly an Expert in Muay Thai” Guy
You’ve logged onto Twitter ready to discuss your horrendous takes with your buddy. You go on his profile, but something is strange. His username is suddenly in Thai, and his profile picture is a nak muay. You panic. What has happened? You frantically scroll through his profile only to see retweet after retweet of elbows and leg kicks, and your friend’s take on how this weekends Thai card will go. One word springs to mind. Twat. Just yesterday his profile picture was Matt Hughes and he was making his usual fuckwit remarks about how Aldo’s never fought a competent wrestler, and today you’re reading a tweet where he’s literally compared watching Payakaroon to having an intense orgasm. But there is a silver lining. With a Thai kickboxing expert in your squad you can make the most obscene claims, like Jones having elite Muay Thai, and nobody will be able to contest his 7 hours of fandom.
By Ben Nuñez