Do you love unnecessary rematches? Are you a complete shill for the UFC’s marketing division? Would you not know good booking if it spinning elbowed you right in your fat fucking nose? Congratulations fuckwit, you sound like a Dana rim licker completely satisfied by the state of the welterweight division, with more blind loyalty than a Waco cult member desperately trying to find the Kool-Aid. Despite the world probably being a better place if you did leave us all alone and join a cult, we at the combat hub offices want to help by taking a look at the state of the 170 pound division and fantasy booking the most twatish set of fights we could possibly muster. Not only will we show you how to pit the best, most deserving contenders together (haha), we’ll also show you how to make the most money, which to be frank is the most important thing. Well, the only thing really.
- Usman vs Covington 2
As I’m writing, Dana has already confirmed this rematch, so most of our work is already done. This rematch may seem as undeserved as a Derrick Lewis main event, but the trick here is to simply lie. Create a fictional universe where Colby was going to win, statements like “he was winning going into the 5th” or “beating Woodley in 2020 is definitely worth a title shot” are key here, and such complete bullshit no one can even counter argue without looking foolish. Probably. Yes, Covington’s jaw was more detached than what his fanbase is to reality, yes, instead of the octagon he looked more like he was at a warehouse rave after digesting three pills his jaw was swinging so bad, but he nearly beat Usman and was robbed by shoddy refereeing. Usman fans will point to the damage to display how badly he “lost” like the bad cut and black eyes, when we all know Covington would never let anything black on his face.
- Masvidal vs (The Winner of) Usman vs Covington 2
As we all know, Masvidal is biggest draw on the planet. Most likely. I haven’t really checked, BUT we all know how well the Diaz fight did, so this booking is a win win. If Usman wins, we get the biggest trilogy in history. The first fight was just Usman humping and nut sniffing, and the second fight he tricked Masvidal like a scumbag con artist by having very good striking, which Masvidal wasn’t prepared for. This is tantamount to cheating, and we need justice. In the much more likely scenario that Covington wins, we get the two most popular fighters on the planet going at it. Although considering their political beliefs, a much more likely scenario is them teaming up for a sort of Kumite where they take on wave after wave of Democrats, each more left wing and progressive than the last. Imagine a cross between EA UFC 4 and Nazi zombies, except this time the Nazi’s are the good guys.
- Leon Edwards vs MVP (On Whatever Bellator Card)
As we’ve discussed here before at combat hub, Leon Edwards is a coward, even going as far to contract Covid-19 to avoid fights. As everybody hates him for reasons listed here The Twat’s Guide to Hating Leon Edwards – The Combat Hub we think a better use of his elite skills and 8 fight win streak would be to fight the male Michelle Waterson, MVP, in Bellator where he belongs. We know he’s booked to fight Nate Diaz, but Nate has fought McGregor a couple of times putting him way beyond Leon’s league, he also had a close fight with Masvidal who already beat Edwards backstage. See? Booking is easy when you make absolutely no fucking sense and arbitrarily decide who deserves what for ill-defined reasons. This move for Edwards would be the best move in MMA since the UFC moved an entire event last minute to swerve a Jon Jones drug violation, or when BJ Penn moved from professional fighting into alcoholism.
- Masvidal vs Joe Biden (Bare Knuckle on The Streets of Miami)
As a diehard Trumper Masvidal has sworn revenge on the voting cheat since he undemocratically stole the Presidential election. This level of personal feud deserves a bare knuckle brawl in Masvidal’s backyard at 170 pounds, also, as President, Biden would have an unfair advantage in the octagon due to his experience of handling immigrant’s children in cages. The BMF title will be on the line, as well as the Presidency of the United States, which Masvidal would graciously gift to Trump if he can get past Joe ‘Busy Hands’ Biden. We all know how great Joe is with his hands, he can inappropriately rub a girls’ shoulders in both orthodox and southpaw and can really mix things up with lingering grips around the waist. This will be the biggest fight of both men’s career as the fate of the country is on the line, and you can bet Trump will be part of Masvidal’s corner with a 40 oz and Cubano sandwich ready to combat fatigue between rounds.
By Ben Nuñez