Are you such a piece of shit to the highest possible order that basic human intelligence and decency are wildly foreign concepts to you? Does your one note monkey brain cause frivolous erections watching slow, sloppy behemoths attempt to strike each other more than twice? Does your sister seem more and more sexually appealing by the day? Congratulations you scumbag, you sound like a complete cunt who hates the flyweight division for no discernible reason. In our illustrious return we will be teaching ignorant fake alpha’s who’d pay good money to rim Dana’s asshole how to defend the near impossible position that the flyweight division is just the worst. This may seem harder to defend than France’s borders, Trumps sexual assault record, or James Vick’s anything, but that’s why we’re here. Enjoy this ‘How to’ guide which will contain all the secrets on how to destroy somebody who actually knows what they’re talking about
- “They’re all midgets I could probably beat up”
This is a killer opening, as it is most likely true. Probably. Like a hot girl on tinder, I don’t acknowledge the existence of any men under 6ft. There’s no way someone like us who claims to be 6ft 2” and 250 lbs would lose to some of the ‘allegedly’ greatest fighters of all time. I’d love to see Demetrious Johnson try that leg kick bullshit when a Cheeto dust coloured cum stained hand gets around his pencil neck. It’s important to bring up past physical accolades to help justify why you’d beat people in a fight that have trained 4-7 days a week for the past 10-20 years. Point out that they couldn’t wear you down, as you once ran a mile in PE in 2009 and came in 4th. How many miles have DJ or Figueiredo ran? It’s impossible to tell, but probably not many, as with legs that little they can’t get far.
- “I don’t know any of them, so they must be boring”
Now with this one you have to immediately point out this isn’t because of the lack of MMA we actually watch, we’d just rather be making better use of our time than watching high level fights from guys weighing 80lbs, like watching Derrick Lewis or furiously masturbating over our step dads. If it was good or exciting we would know about it first, use an example like you being the first person in your friendship group to see John Wick, or an anecdote about how you discover unknown amazing fights everyone else are too casual to know about, like Lawler vs MacDonald 2. At the end of the day, we’re not going to remember the name of someone who has to stand on his tip toes to use a urinal. Everyone we know by name is a man’s man, with elite striking, grappling, and is most likely one of the greatest fighters of all time. Like Antony Smith. If they weren’t, we wouldn’t bother remembering them.
- “They only have like 8 ranked fighters”
This argument is great because every time you use it you can arbitrarily reduce the amount of fighters they have e.g. ‘last time I checked they had about 4 fighters, DJ, Cejudo and ermm, you know the guy with the, well you have google’. You can then build upon this point by asking why flyweights keep getting cut, either A) Dana’s cutting them because they’re not a draw, or B) as they look like children they’re probably locked up somewhere in Pat Barry’s house. Now either option is bad news for flyweights, as with Barry around they must all be sweating like Matt Hughes at a train station, and with Dana cutting them like Zorro on meth it can’t be a safe work environment. So, let’s just pack it in, and maybe try to get them jobs in a live action Rugrats reboot. They could even make it a fight pass exclusive for the younger fans.
- “Dana nearly cut the division and he always knows best”
We’ve already written a guide on why Dana White is a genius businessman that we will shamelessly plug by leaving it here 5 Reasons Why Dana White is a Genius – The Combat Hub but in case you needed any more evidence Dana has seen all of our previous points and agrees with us whole heartedly, which is why he uses his every waking breath to destroy the division. Sending TJ down there to get the belt would have been genius if it didn’t turn him into what looked like a haunted runway model on their third month of bulimic purging, who was also on crack. And I’m sure sending Cody down there will work if it ever happens. When I think of favouritism and bias, Dana is the last person that comes to mind. The division is as bad as he is bold, and as the business genius he is, he knows what the people want, and what the people want is two 250lbs+ empty shells stagger around the cage aimlessly, occasionally throwing a punch.
By Ben C