The Twat’s Guide to Hating Leon Edwards

Are you the type of idiot whose entire fuckwit opinion relies on the UFC’s marketing division? Would you rather watch two men bleed to death than compete in a martial arts contest? Do you think you’re so fucking hilarious you describe grappling as “cuddling” and often call professional cage fighters “scared” when the closest you’ve come to physical exertion is furiously masturbating over your own tweets? Did you lose your virginity to your stepbrother? Congratulations you smug piece of shit, you sound like a complete cunt who hates Leon Edwards for arbitrary, ill-defined reasons that are quite frankly harder to understand than a conversation between Nate Diaz and Stipe Miocic. And rightfully so. In our illustrious return to ‘How to’ guides we will give you all the ammunition you need, for seemingly no good reason, to hate one of the best fighters in the world.

• “He’s never beaten anyone good

This is an indisputable fact. Just look at his most recent fight against complete bum checks notes RD… ah shit, okay look. He may be one of the best lightweights ever, but he was in a different division which automatically makes him worthless. Moving weight classes never leads to success, look at the likes of Daniel Cor.. okay not him but definitely Dustin Po.. okay, okay but what about, erm, fucking, Conor McG.. no, fucking… Donald Cerrone? Yes exactly, like Donald Cerrone, an equally horrible fighter Edwards defeated. See? This is easy. When describing his performances, there’s no need to watch the actual fights, people like us hate watching fights so this gives us more time to look at the Wikipedia result, count how many decisions with literally no context, and quote them to people laughing like a disabled hyena. Then we can watch a Lawler vs McDonald 2 highlight video on YouTube for the third time today.

“He’s boring”

This one is a slam dunk, as sure as Chuck Liddell having CTE or ‘Predator’ being Pat Barry’s favourite movie. Everybody knows Edwards is the most boring fighter in UFC history. The UFC’s marketing is flawless and always pushes the best, most exciting fighters, like Greg Hardy and Anthony Smith. We don’t want slick grappling, clever striking engages, timing, angles or any of that fancy bullshit we’re too thick to understand, we want two men in there, not cuddling like some kind of Village People reunion, swinging at each other’s heads until one of them inevitably collapses from blood loss. I’m talking high kicks, knees, elbo… checks notes, right Edwards might be good at these, but in a boring way. What kind of coward throws an elbow smartly out of a clinch or punches a man when he’s parried away from him? Disgusting. He’s even boring outside the cage. Edwards puts more people to sleep with his interviews than Bill Cosby did with Rohypnol.

“He contracted Covid-19 to avoid a fight he signed up for”

Leon Edwards is a coward. He’s as scared of fights as Jon Jones is to USADA, or James Vick is to winning. Look at all the fights he “wanted” that got booked and feel through due to this childlike fear of competition. I mean, to be fair, who wouldn’t fear a shell of a man Woodley hesitating backwards towards the cage for 25 minutes. Instead of fighting “The Big Backed Statue” like a man, he refused to travel to the location due to a so called “national lockdown” because of a “global pandemic”. Sure Leon, sure. Just break the law and charter a private jet like the rest of us you idiot. Now, Chimaev is off. Even if he does have Covid, he should just train and cut weight through it instead of being a pussy. Fighters put their own lives on the line every time they step foot in the cage, so Leon should put everyone else’s on the line too. It’s only fair.

“tHrEe PiEcE aNd A sOdA!”

This is high level, big brain shit. If every other argument fails which, to be honest, does most of the time, there’s no getting around Masvidal destroying Edwards backstage. Constantly bring up that Masvidal has already beaten Leon, with the infamous catch phrase making you sound like a retarded mongoose. Everybody knows, sneaking up and sucker punching someone surrounded by security and then running away means that not only did you beat them in a fight, you would beat them in any scenario, which Masvidal did easily. Edwards fans might make bullshit claims like “Ooo he has a fake victory over Leon, he has a fake title belt, he has a fake love for a deluded President and has 14 real losses” a lot of talk about what Masvidal has, but what does Leon have? A better resume? Maybe. A better win streak? Perhaps. A better overall skillset? Sure. But who’s a straight up gangsta, and who’s a straight up bitch boy? Exactly, check mate.

By Ben C

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