The Twat’s Guide to Judging Fights

Are you a hypocritical string of monkey piss unable to understand simple sporting concepts? Do you wish your preferred fighter won and need to justify why the fight was a robbery to satisfy you’re disgustingly unfounded sense of self-worth, or explain why the judges got it right when you’re guy won in some warped ego stroking display of double standards? Congratulations you absolute fuckwit, you have no idea how to put bias aside and score a fight objectively, and hopefully you have no idea how to reproduce either. But never fear, the Combat Hub will never leave a self-entitled asshole in the lurch. This ‘How to’ guide will tell you everything you need to know when judging fights.

  • “But he was coming forward”

If your fighter is getting destroyed in the cage, the first thing you’re going to want to do is take a rule completely out of context and insert your own interpretation on it. Yes, maybe mindlessly walking forward with no plan like a CTE Chuck Liddell escaping from his nursing home isn’t the most effective fight wise, but it’s in the rules, and yes, lethargically dragging yourself into your opponents range while getting consistently hit with vicious combinations might seem counterproductive, but you’re the one pushing the pace and taking the fight to them, they’re just running away, and should really have points deducted. Ask Reyes how effective landing consistent shots is against someone coming forward. Short answer, not at all. It basically nullifies them. This argument is great because although it may seem like you have no fucking clue what a fight is, you’re the only one who’s actually read the scoring criteria. Probably.

  • “Look at the punch accuracy”

The second port of call to defending your insatiable bias is to just make a rule up and when challenged, vehemently deny it not being true. If you’ve read our ‘How to’ guides before you know we don’t let things like facts get in the way of us being right, so using punch accuracy is an incredible interpretation of ‘effective striking’. You may think landing 60 shots is better than landing 10, but say the former threw 120, and the latter 10, that’s 50% accuracy compared to 100%. I mean maybe your fighter’s face looks like he French kissed a cheese grater and his torso looks like somebody stepped on a McRib, but his striking must have been more effective as he was way more accurate. If push really comes to shove, outright lie about defense being scored. Making up some complete bullshit about how evading strikes is just as important as landing them might do the trick.

  • “Look at the fight stats”

This is a higher tier of manipulation Joshua Fabia would be proud of. Fight statistics are great because you can display them for the fight as whole and twist the information. It’s important you completely disregard that fights are scored round by round, and you take whichever stat favours you on board the most. Some people might say obvious things like, “but what about damage, you can’t see that on a stat chart” which is when you either insult their families, or spout some idiotic rhetoric about how the 10 extra strikes landed across the whole fight easily accumulated enough damage, and volume is more important. Or the opposite, get creative with your bullshit. Another plus of fight stats is the information’s already all there to make anything up, you don’t even have to watch the fight, which is great for insufferable twats like us who rarely do anyway. We’ll maybe catch the highlights on YouTube.

  • Create a fictional world where your rules are in place

This is utilised effectively by thousands of inbred fucking morons. In the likely event the previous points have been countered, simply create a mythical universe where your fighter won. Let me give you an example: “If this fight was 10 rounds *insert fighter* would have won”, or “If this was judged like a real fight, *insert fighter* was winning at the end and would have won”, textbook examples because they’re absolute bullshit statements, unverifiable and everyone in your camp will agree with them. Would your fighter have won if it was 10 rounds? It’s literally impossible to know, but don’t let that stop you. If you lose every second of the fight except the last 30, you should lose right? Wrong. Create a fantasy world where those aren’t the rules. I once read someone tweet “if that round was 6 minutes, Ferguson would have got a finish.” It was the most irrelevant bullshit I’d ever read, and truly inspirational.

By Ben C

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